Fat Girl Moments

Funny things are happening to me when it comes to weight loss. My body has changed so much, but for me, I’m finding it hard to mentally catch up. It’s hard to tell your brain…hey you’re about 30 lbs. away from seeing 1XX lbs. on the scale. You’re doing great! Rather, I still have many moments where I’m back to being the 298 lb. gal.

For example, when my husband and I went on a cruise last December, there was a store in the Cayman Islands that sold rum cakes. It was so crowded in there, and it was hard to get around. At one point, I saw a small opening between two displays, and I joked to my husband that I was totally gonna knock over a display of rum cakes. I didn’t. It was bizarre, and then it hit me…weight loss… I guess I’m thinner than I thought?

This past weekend when I went to the mall to return the gifts that were too big on me, I immediately walked back to the plus size section, saw a cute shirt, grabbed the hanger in the very back, saw 3x and then it hit me…I’m not a 3x anymore. I don’t even fit in this section anymore. I just returned 1x shirts. It’s the most bizarre feeling to walk in the regular sizes sections. I feel like I just don’t belong here. The plus size section was all that I knew, and now walking into an area that is unfamiliar to me just felt so wrong.

I decided afterwards to try on Gap clothes. I walked in that store with my head down, hoping no one would notice the fat girl trying on their clothes. I was wondering if the workers were freaking out about me stretching out everything or something. It was so weird and bizarre to step foot in here for myself. I’ve never worn anything from Gap in my life. What was I doing here? I ended up grabbing three shirts and just silently hoping…please don’t be too tight…please? Your size chart said I’ll be fine, so please work out for me. They, of course, did, and I grabbed the shirts, paid for them and immediately left the mall. When I got to my car, I put my bags on the seat, and just had to take in what happened for a bit. Regular sizes. This is me now. Regular sizes.

Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror, I face the side and expect something different. My body is reshaping. Rolls are disappearing…things are starting to curve inward. It catches me off guard every time. I’ve grown so accustomed to seeing myself in a certain way, and it’s different now. It’ll (hopefully) keep getting different, but for me, I think I’m just going to keep having these moments where I see myself as my former (larger) self.

Anyone else in this boat? Or am I just weird?

Comments

  1. I lost a fair amount of weight about 7 years ago. I had a very hard time transitioning from fat girl to regular size girl. The hardest part was getting pregnant and gaining weight back and feeling like I was back at square one.

  2. First of all, let me just say that I think it’s incredible that you’ve shared this. I know first-hand how difficult it is (sometimes embarrassing) to share those awful childhood memories and the inner critic’s constant bashing… kudos for putting it out there. I’ve found it very therapeutic. I’m a size 8/10 now and I still have ‘invisible’ issues. I was bullied growing up, too. My first crush called me fat (on several occasions; I don’t know what I saw in that asshole anyway! ha!) and when I was baptized, which was a very special event for me, one of the boys said my teacher (who baptized me), “dunked a whale in the lake that day,” in reference to me. That gut feeling you mentioned, when you’re trying to hold back the tears. Oh man! I know it! It does suck! In college, when the weight first started to come off, I had gotten pretty used to being invisible. My best friend was a knock-out and on several occasions guys would approach us, and literally ignore me. I think that’s why, when I get the weight off, and start exercising and feeling good about myself, it’s pretty normal for me to be critical of myself! I guess it just takes time and our minds need to catch-up with our bodies! I know this is a long comment, but one more thought: this past week one of my friends said I needed to learn to accept compliments. This was in reference to my new blog, which I am also very critical about, and she said I needed to “sit in” the compliments. FEEL the good stuff; don’t just brush it off. She said we do that with insults, why not with compliments and the feel-good stuff? So, I guess my advice to you is to soak it all in– all the encouragement and kudos, you truly DESERVE it. I’ve enjoyed being a part of your journey!!!!

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