The Nifty Foodie's Life

I’ll never forget that one time when my husband and I were at Target, and I noticed this lady. She was about my size, but she was rocking a cute maxi dress and wedges. Her hair was fixed, cute make-up and was just simply gorgeous to me. I’m sure she was thinking…I don’t care about what size this dress is…I’m going to just rock what I got. I have to admit, I was super jealous.

I’ve always had self-image issues. I’ll never forget the day when I wore my cheerleading uniform for spirit day, and overhearing a few people in social studies say whale jokes about me in my uniform. I’m not sure if that started my issues with the way that I looked, but comments like that never helped. In middle school,  I also had a serious bully who was pretty popular, and I really think her goal in school was to make me miserable…she won. She made my school years miserable, and she knew it. She knew exactly what to say to make me feel worthless…to make me tear up. You know that pain in your gut that you get when you’re on the verge of crying, but you want to hold back? That. That just…sucks. One time, two of the buses had to combine passengers since they couldn’t find a sub and everyone was sitting three to a seat. As a larger gal, I was on the edge, with my butt  hanging over. All it took was one big turn, and I fell out of my seat. I was so embarrassed, and to add insult to injury, as people were laughing, one guy (who was good friends with said bully) walked up to me, told me to go back to the ocean and spit on me.

I don’t think I ever told my parents what happened that day. I cried on the walk home from the bus and took a minute to hide the tears so my parents/siblings wouldn’t notice. That night, when my Mom was washing a load of clothes, I threw the jacket in to make sure no one in the house saw what happened.

High school bullying wasn’t as harsh, but my luck with boys was zilch. I’d watch my friends go to dances with guys, have boyfriends and I was just so bummed. My junior year prom date left me the majority of the prom to hang out with another girl. Thankfully, my senior year prom date, who was a dear friend, stuck with me….glitter shedding dress and all.

All of those experiences in school (except senior prom, of course), led me to the conclusion of believing if people don’t notice me, they won’t make fun of me. Or perhaps if I just don’t look at someone’s reaction to me, that would be for the best. In high school, I just started staring at the ground when I walked. I didn’t care how I looked, because if I tried to get into make-up or fixing my hair, people would notice me, which is NOT what I wanted at all.

I carried myself that way in college a good bit…doing this for years made me very shy and intimidated to approach others. To this day, I would prefer to be alone than in a group of people socializing. I mean, don’t get me wrong…I love to talk to others and hang out, but I always have this constant worry in my head about what people think of me. If I’m at a store and notice someone staring at me, I wonder if they’re just disgusted by what they see. I know this is terrible, but it’s just how I am. 

Since I started losing weight, I thought that would all disappear. I’d have a pep in my step or feel beautiful or…just something. I don’t. I still worry that people see a fat girl, and I worry about what they think. If I have a bag of candy in my cart, do people judge me? If I order something fried at a restaurant, are people going to stare at me? This past weekend, I went with my friend to a dress fitting and I was venting about how dress companies charge extra for more length (tall girl problems) and being plus sized. The guy doing alterations seemed surprised that I was plus size, and for a moment, I was excited, but that night in the mirror, I stared at all of my flaws and started bashing myself again.

It’s so strange to me, and I honestly wonder if people see what I see. I still see every fat roll, and while things are getting smaller, my overall shape seems the same. I still feel like that 300 lb. girl from last January. I’m surprised by my progress, and I’m not afraid to share it because it’s cool to see, but I still carry myself the way I did before. It’s really hard to change the way that I feel about myself, and while I really want to feel better about the way that I look, I’m just not sure if that will happen anytime soon. I really hope so, though.

Is there anyone out there who feels the same way?

Funny things are happening to me when it comes to weight loss. My body has changed so much, but for me, I’m finding it hard to mentally catch up. It’s hard to tell your brain…hey you’re about 30 lbs. away from seeing 1XX lbs. on the scale. You’re doing great! Rather, I still have many moments where I’m back to being the 298 lb. gal.

For example, when my husband and I went on a cruise last December, there was a store in the Cayman Islands that sold rum cakes. It was so crowded in there, and it was hard to get around. At one point, I saw a small opening between two displays, and I joked to my husband that I was totally gonna knock over a display of rum cakes. I didn’t. It was bizarre, and then it hit me…weight loss… I guess I’m thinner than I thought?

This past weekend when I went to the mall to return the gifts that were too big on me, I immediately walked back to the plus size section, saw a cute shirt, grabbed the hanger in the very back, saw 3x and then it hit me…I’m not a 3x anymore. I don’t even fit in this section anymore. I just returned 1x shirts. It’s the most bizarre feeling to walk in the regular sizes sections. I feel like I just don’t belong here. The plus size section was all that I knew, and now walking into an area that is unfamiliar to me just felt so wrong.

I decided afterwards to try on Gap clothes. I walked in that store with my head down, hoping no one would notice the fat girl trying on their clothes. I was wondering if the workers were freaking out about me stretching out everything or something. It was so weird and bizarre to step foot in here for myself. I’ve never worn anything from Gap in my life. What was I doing here? I ended up grabbing three shirts and just silently hoping…please don’t be too tight…please? Your size chart said I’ll be fine, so please work out for me. They, of course, did, and I grabbed the shirts, paid for them and immediately left the mall. When I got to my car, I put my bags on the seat, and just had to take in what happened for a bit. Regular sizes. This is me now. Regular sizes.

Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror, I face the side and expect something different. My body is reshaping. Rolls are disappearing…things are starting to curve inward. It catches me off guard every time. I’ve grown so accustomed to seeing myself in a certain way, and it’s different now. It’ll (hopefully) keep getting different, but for me, I think I’m just going to keep having these moments where I see myself as my former (larger) self.

Anyone else in this boat? Or am I just weird?

Last month, I mentioned that I would finally take on Jillian Michaels’ 30 Day Shred. I don’t know the specifics of her program, but I took the title literally and did her Shred workout for 30 days straight. I was originally going to do 10 days at level 1, 10 days at level 2 and 10 days at level 3. However, some of you recommended that I jump around to make things less monotonous, which is what I went with.

On day 1, I thought I was going to die. Seriously…I used to do jumping jacks like crazy in grade school, but on day 1? Heh….crazy crazy crazy. And push-ups? I did 3. THREE. Jillian is a smart gal though…she mentions in her video that the day 5/6/7 people would probably feel a huge difference in what they were capable of, and boy was she right! Little by little, jumping jacks were no big deal, push-ups weren’t completely miserable and halfway through (on day 15), I even upped my weights in the work-outs from 3 lbs. to 5!

I have to admit, though….my BFF for about 75% of the work-out moves was this gal.

If you’ve done the Shred, you are probably familiar with Anita (aka the gal who does the modified versions of the moves). I’m sure quite a few of you can do the more difficult versions of the moves, but for me, Anita’s modifications were more than enough of a challenge.

I’m so glad that I can finally check this off of the 101 goals in 1001 days list, and even more happy news…check out these results!

Pretty cool, right? That’s 10.5 inches lost in 30 days, which is SO encouraging to see! While I didn’t take any official before/after pictures (oops), I’m glad that I at least remembered to take my measurements!

I decided to give myself a little reward for finishing the Shred. I don’t like to spend too much money on make-up, but this was a treat to myself (and heck, my birthday just passed, so why not?)

The box on the left is a bunch of samples as this year’s Sephora beauty reward. On the right is this blush (in Dollface), which I’ve heard nothing but raving reviews about. Can’t wait to give it a try!

Also, more happy weight loss moments from this past weekend.

My mom and grandma purchased some clothes for me for my birthday (which is so sweet, because I’m really really trying to avoid spending $$ on clothes right now), and most of them were too big when I tried them on Saturday. It felt weird to go to JCPenney’s and Macy’s to return everything, just to tell the associates at the store that these 1x clothes are TOO BIG. Crazy…

Since I was already at the mall, I went to the Gap for the first time ever (for myself, that is…I’d go in to buy gifts on occasion). They were having a $10 sale on their essential tees, and since most of the tees in my closet are too large, I thought I’d use up a mall gift card that I received on these. The shirts below are an XL.

The jeans I’m wearing are these. They are a bit too big right now, but the jeans that I received from my sister are a 16, which are kind of tight. I can wear them, but um, tight clothes don’t look very good on me. You’re welcome, universe. Hopefully I’ll be in those jeans fairly soon, though!

Now that the Shred is over, I’m getting back into running again. My running slacked a bit the past month, because I found if I ran, my legs would be shot for a Shred workout. My next 5K is coming up in less than a month, so I’m stoked to get back into it!

Have any of you done all 30 days of the Shred? How were your results?

Another DietBet = done! I’m so thrilled to reach my 4% goal once again…I know everyone is motivated in different ways, but the competitive side of me loves DietBet! I can’t believe I’m showing these (since I took them first thing in the morning and I look a mess), but I wanted to share the before DietBet #1/after DietBet #2 pictures.

There’s nothing like fresh local strawberries. Oh man…I easily put away 3 pints already since getting them yesterday. Better than a candy bar, right?

My husband and I went bowling for the first time in a while. Just a little background…my husband actually learned how to bowl from being on leagues. I, on the other hand, learned the fine art of throw it as hard and as fast as you can/hope it doesn’t end up in the gutter. My husband usually had triple or quadruple my score every game. Ah well…it was fun.

You know it’s your birthday week when your inbox looks like this…

I purchased this candle as a gift for someone. It smells SO clean and just awesome…I don’t know how to put it in words, but it smelled so good! I think I’m going back to Williams Sonoma to get us one…

A while back, I begged for you guys to vote/like a picture of my running journey on Instagram. It was for a contest with Claim Your Journey. You guys are SO awesome…I actually won one of the weeks (THANK YOU!!), which meant that a rep from Mizuno would send me a pair of free running shoes! Check ’em out! I’ve been fighting a cold for the past two weeks on/off, but once that’s gone, I can’t wait to run in these!

I’ve been on this weight loss journey for quite some time. I figured it’s about time I did a weekly weigh-in, so I’m starting now. In week 62.

Week 61′s Weight:             234.4
Today’s Weight:                 230.4

Weight Lost:                         4.0 lbs.
Total Weight Lost:              68.1 lbs.

Some thoughts about this past week:

• Today marks Day 19 of doing Jillian Michaels’ 30 Day Shred. Crazy that I’ve kept up with it! 11 more workouts to go!

• The jeans I bought at Old Navy last month are ridiculously loose. Bummer (wallet wise) but YAY! weight loss wise. I’m gonna lay off the clothes purchasing for a while, if I can help it. It’s exciting to fit in regular sizes, but I don’t want to blow money on something that fits well for maybe a month.

• I painted my toenails this weekend without feeling out of breath. Feels good to have a shrinking belly for simple tasks like that.

• I purchased bras for the first time since college in a store that wasn’t Lane Bryant. OMG….bras that fit are the way to go, people (duh, Amy). I’ve been wearing the same bras (washed regularly, of course) since I weighed almost 300 lbs. I didn’t realize how loose they were in the ladies and band size until last night. I’m in love.

• My second DietBet ended today….just in time for my birthday week. I’m not gonna go crazy, but it will be nice to enjoy a splurge meal or two before DietBet #3 begins on Saturday.  If you’d like to check out the DietBet that I set up, here’s the link! The more, the merrier!

How was your week? Any victories or vents to share? By the way, if you’re on MyFitnessPal, my username is niftyfoodie! Feel free to friend me!