This isn’t a happy post. Just a fair warning.
Sometime over the weekend, I straightened my hair for the first time in months. Yep, you read that right. Months.
The whole not straightening my hair wasn’t a ploy to get my hair to be healthier, but rather, it was me just not caring anymore. I used to straighten my hair every morning, because I felt that it made me appear more polished during the day.
Lately, since the weight gain has happened, I just don’t feel pretty anymore. I don’t care enough to straighten my hair or even wear make-up to work anymore. I used to love make-up, but I honestly feel that I’m ugly, fat and make-up/hair won’t undo a 50 lb. weight gain. I’d just be fat with make-up and straight hair.
If you can’t tell, my self image of myself is at an all time low. I don’t really buy clothes or shoes anymore, unless they get holes and need to be replaced. I air dry my hair and pack it all in a hair elastic. I don’t wear make-up. Weighing in at almost 300 lbs. drains me (yep, I’m almost 300 lbs. at the moment…gained a LOT of weight), and I really just don’t care anymore.
I read fashion/beauty blogs, and I think man, those girls are gorgeous. Just gorgeous. However, they’re also thinner. I read plus size blogs too, but those girls are like size 14-18. I’m a size 26. I’m the second to LAST size that the average plus size store carries. Talk about a boost…yeah, right.
And yes, before you ask, I’m trying to lose weight. Starting C25K today, actually and have been logging my calories on MyFitnessPal. However, I’m 50 lbs. away from my wedding weight, where even then, I still felt fat. Not super encouraging, but I know I have to do something about this weight.
With the holiday season approaching, I want to so badly just be happy. I want to smile and it not feel forced. I want to walk in public without feeling like someone is watching me in disgust. So, I’m going to put in a little more effort this holiday season and see how things go.
I bought two sweaters yesterday. Two sweaters that were not replacing torn sweaters, mind you.
I re-organized my make-up and threw away the old stuff.
I have the straightener and blow dryer on my counter ready to go.
And today, for the first time in a long time, I wore mineral foundation, eyeshadow (one shade, mind you), eyeliner and mascara to work.
The effort took 10 minutes, but I find that I’m sitting up a little straighter today and also thinking about healthier lunch choices. Maybe it’s the first day drive to success or maybe, just maybe a little bit of make-up is making me care a little more about myself.
We’ll see.
Good for you! I went through a phase earlier this year when I made no effort on my appearance. I felt frumpy and terrible about myself, and it was reflected outwardly. My WW leader made some comment in a meeting about valuing yourself no matter where you are in your journey and it struck a chord. We take good care of things we love, she said. It’s funny how a skirt and a little mascara can make a difference in how we perceive ourselves, but it does. If you care for yourself now (whatever the number) then I think you’re more likely to make healthy choices, like you said. I know it has really helped me!
I know exactly how you feel. I relate to a lot of what you say. I know the struggle and I know the lows. You have taken the first steps to get back on track and thats the hardest part. Take it a day at a time.
I struggle with my food choices every day and most of the time I fail and choose the non-healthy option. I too am worried about the holidays and hope I come out the other side not too much heavier.
If you need a virtual cheerleader let me know! I know I could use one ;-).
Keep moving forward.
What a brave post! Congrats on deciding to make some changes! I think reaching out and building a support system will really help keep you encouraged and working towards your goals. My numbers may not be the same, but I can definitely identify with those feelings. I’ve been using MFP too and love it. Look me up (nosmallbeans) and we can help encourage each other! Good luck!!!
Another cheerleader offering support!! An extra ten minutes a day to feel better- is totally worth it!! Keep us updated!!
WTG for taking some steps and putting in the effort. I have been having trouble lately, too. I find it’s especially hard being a SAHM with two young kids (2yrs and 7mos) to keep up with taking care of myself. Most days I just don’t have the energy (or time!) to even bother with makeup/hair/clothes other than yoga pants. I am beyond upset with my current weight (up 30lbs since my wedding in 2008) and hate using the excuse that I had two kids close together. I really need to do more about it. I signed us up at a gym last week and managed to go several times and have already felt a difference in my own self esteem and my *wanting* to put in more effort.
I want to start c25k as well, but since it’s been about three years since I really worked out, I need to ease myself in before jumping into that program. Good luck! I’ll be trucking along with you. 🙂
I struggle with motivation too – good for you for putting effort into making intentional choices about both your healthy and beauty!
You have a cheerleader over here. You can do it!
I hope these little changes start to make things look up.
I have struggled for a long time now with my weight – between the marriage weight and then added baby weight. The past few weeks I’ve been going to the gym regularly and it’s done wonders to my attitude and how I feel overall. Yeah, I still have terrible days where I look at myself in the mirror and am disgusted, but I’m having many more positive days. Food is my biggest issue – I love it. I haven’t lost much yet, but I can feel the difference in my clothes. Just remember that it takes small steps over time – don’t look for a quick and easy fix. You can do this!
So true!
I struggle with motivation all the time. It’s so much easier for me to put off exercising than just getting it done. I know you can make the changes you are hoping for. Starting with a simple plan like the C25k is a great way to start. Also, for me, picking an exercise I sort of enjoy is the key to keep me coming back. Good Luck! You can do it!
Sounds like you are getting on the right track. Kudos for you for facing your fears and for making a plan. That is the first and most important step!
You can do this!
I completely completely know what you mean. I usually get a big boost from wearing lipstick in Lipsticktember. Just a coat of lipstick or lip stain makes me feel completely different! Having short hair has helped me too because I have to do it, I can’t just leave it unstraightened or it looks miserableeeeee! Hang in there and keep your eye on the prize, girl!
I feel you on this one. I can wear jeans to work and since summer rolled around, I’d been phoning in my appearance. Ponytails, no makeup, etc. and I hadn’t noticed what a buzzkill it was for me. Now that fall is back, I’ve been excited about fall clothes and although I still wear jeans everyday, I’ve been better about fixing my hair and it makes me feel so much better about the day! I’ve also been getting back into running, so if you need a virtual weight loss buddy, count me in!
I’m “just” a SAHM these days but I’ve noticed that on days when I don’t get dressed and don’t do my hair and makeup, I tend to feel pretty blah and depressed. On days like those, whenever I walk by a mirror (so, like, 87 times a day), I think, “Wow, I look like crap,” and it makes me feel crappier. Just spending a few minutes on my appearance usually lifts my mood, even if no one else is going to see me except the baby.
I feel you. I look at some of my friends and they are so cute and fashionable. That used to be me, but now I’m the mom in jogging pants (and not jogging). I never wear jewelry. So I’m making an effort too. My fitness pal app is GREAT, it has really helped me stick with the diet. Add friends, keeps you more accountable (you can add me). I’m also dressing “up” more and wearing a necklace and earrings. And it helps. Good luck, I’m here for ya!
Just discovered your blog tonight & wanted to leave a word of encouragement – I lost 60 pounds in 2010 & know how difficult a battle weight loss is, but you can do it! One thing that really helped me was this scale that doesn’t actually tell you how much you weigh, but it records your starting weight & verbally every day tells you how many pounds you’ve gained or lost, coaching you to lose just 10 pounds. You can have a drill sergeant coach or Mary Lou Retton, who is much nicer 🙂 It really helped me & was really encouraging because I hated looking at the number on the scale when it got so high. (It’s called “Mary Lou’s Weigh Platform” if you’re interested!) Keep doing your hair & wearing makeup – whatever motivates you, you deserve to feel good about yourself & happy with who you are!
Good luck!
Hey Amy,
You are a beautiful person inside and out and i’m sorry that you’re confidence is at a low right now. We all go through this and it’s hard. i completely understand what you’re going through. Don’t be too hard on yourself and know that your making a lifestyle change, not going on a “diet”. i never liked that word haha! i know you can do this.
your loving sister,
Rachel